Topic: Stiffness in conversations.

I hung out with the roommate again tonight. Her name is LB. I'm way excited to get to know her, but right now we're both kind of awkward around each other. We seem to enjoy each other but there is a definite stiffness in our conversations. I like when you know someone well enough to just talk. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people enough to talk with complete confidence in knowing they won't respond poorly to how ridiculous I am sometimes.

other random thoughts:
Taking care of each other is important: Even if it's just providing tons of water with a straw. That's one thing I learned from my sorority in a way I couldn't have learned as well anywhere else.

death makes me want to cry. which is difficult when you're in a coffee shop. RIP Aezra (18 year old found dead right off campus)

songs: the fratellis. the pack.

BEDA 12th - easter and depressing story, sorry1

My sister ape twittered about this

It's about a little girl who died. and her dad is gonna be talking about it on oprah or something.

The thing about it that makes it even sadder (if seeing a 16 month old die isn't sad enough) is that her mother blogged.

The entries I skimmed through were full of photos, positive comments, and hopes.

The hopes were the hardest. the unfulfilled statements hoping for a future.

"I'm going to have so much fun styling this kids hair!" "future DG!"


But it also makes it easy to remember her. remembering the little moments and being able to share those moments! I love when mothers blog because then you can see just how proud they are of their little kids and I just wish my mom had that detailed of records of my life - and not just oh remember that one time when I think this is how it happened...


kinda rambly and depressing blog for today - sorry about that :P

the good ,the bad, and the hot. the worst.

good: Today has been productive. I found an article for my mktg class extra credit majig and am going to lunch with my friend chris.

the bad: One of my sorority sister's (betsy) boyfriend (Jon) died yesterday. I didn't know him. but she is a very quality person and I have no doubt that he was quality as well. please pray for Betsy and Jon and their families.
I used to have a blog called Prayer Box. It was only for prayers I had. Today I'm praying for J, B and their families and friends. He was probably 20 or 21. too young. I remember in high school when I had people around me die - I wished time would stop. It seemed so wrong and unnatural that life kept going when their lives ended.

The hot: Elliot hate's the rain. 10:18 - Comment

my comment: Jackie at 10:28, on 09 February
hates. not hate's :P sorry, grammar freak :)

Greg at 10:32, on 09 February
good thing shes hot. i wouldn't take that otherwise!

haha - i got called hot.. yay! and its a pic of me from fo-eva ago (2004, first time i wore makeup. )

the worst: my roommate's (the good roomie, the best roomie, the one who's good convos are at great as her thats what she said and similar jokes... ) dad was given 6 months to live over christmas break. He died tonight. She was at chapter so we stayed with her until about an hour ago when she went to be with her boyfriend.
I'm a blue. so it was good to be there for her.. but it still just sucks.

prayers appreciated. for Jon, Betsy, Laura and her dad.

Mortality.

Click.

Rest in peace Diane.
My friend's mom.
Friend doesn't really describe her.
AB lived at my house for a summer and was in and out of my life and house for many years. She's kinda messed up, kinda silly, and kinda great. Her mom wasn't a great person. She was mean and alcoholic and chose alcohol and boyfriends over her only daughter. When she was pregnant she craved exhaust fumes instead of peanut butter or tuna. She sat behind her running car in a closed garage. She died of liver damage from her many years of drugs and alcohol. She was also in and out of jail.
But she is still my friend's mom. and My aunt's friend from elementary school.
And that makes her a person. Which means I'm gonna pray for her.
I'm also gonna try to do the rosary every day for a week. Starting monday, today. but well, I'll do it tommorrow :)

Drive

just to preface: I'm okay. everyone is okay.

I've had speeding tickets. I've run into a parked car in my driveway. I got rear ended in a parking lot. the first two were my fault. All 3 times (well more than 3 if you count all the speeding tickets and that one for not stopping all the way at a stop sign... ) I was driving by myself. Whenever I have someone else in the car. I'm more careful. When given the choice - I will drive. As long as I'm not planning on drinking and even sometimes when I am drinking a bit. I trust my drunk self more than a sober someone else who may or may not stay sober.

My sorority decided to go on this ski trip through a college travel agent group thingy called lifestylez. This year the trip is in Telluride. It's the furthest. It's 14 hours if you don't stop. We decided to start at 11pm and drive until 2:30 ish to get there. We didn't get here until about 6.

One of the reasons was that I drove from 11pm to 6am. I was tired. I ran out of gas and had to have mkat save me twice. But I stayed awake and on the road.

She told me it was time to switch drivers. BD had been sleeping the most because AJ had been keeping me awake by telling me her life story and listening to my boy issues.

3 hours after we switched I woke up to screaming. We were still on the road, but sliding. There was some snow on the road. There was a sign and a mile marker on the side of the road and we went directly in between them. The mile marker scratched up the car and hit off a mirror, but we didn't run into it - which is what I thought would happen in my panic. I grabbed onto my seatbelt as we flipped over. I think as we were flipping I was looking to see if AJ, asleep in the back, was okay. After we stopped moving I asked if they were both okay and they both were. so I opened the door to give a shaky thumbs up to the car that had pulled over - thinking it was mkat and her car.

It was just some good samaritans that were also going to Telluride with the college trip.

I called one of the other car in our caravan, DS didn't even talk back - they just turned around and came back to help us.

I calmed down BD, she had been driving. I should have been driving. It was my sister's car. BD was having a panic attack. great. I had to calm her down when I was anything but calm inside. I had to make myself be calm, because that's what I do. When something bad happens I'm the listener, the rock, the one that doesn't freak out until I have some privacy and time to think and cry.

I still haven't cried. I almost died. We flipped, I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt earlier. AJ wasn't wearing her seatbelt. When we squished into other cars BD didn't put on her seatbelt. I wanted to strangle her. She has no common sense. does not think its her fault at all. It is. She overcorrected. She put us in the ditch. The policeman said there hadn't been any other accidents yet that day. It's her fault. but I can't say that. because I'm nice. damn.

I'm okay. everyone is okay.

I could have died 2 days ago. and what would I have to show for it. at my funeral people would say i was nice. nerdy, sometimes smart. a good listener. never dated. never kissed. loved God, sometimes. was awkward as all get out. Didn't fit in most of the time. I like myself, I think I'm a good person. But for the most part I don't think people like me. So is that esteem? I have hi self esteem... but when it comes to relating to others - I'm insecure that I'm the one snowboarding alone this week because no one wants to wait for me.

I love my sorority - but they are annoying me so much lately. KC can't stop talking. BD is the idiot that crashed my sisters car. KR is the one who said I was being harsh when I took a brownie from a pan we thought BD had brought - and I said - She crashed my sisters car - I think I can have a brownie.

Everyone comforted BD because she was freaking. and all I got was how are you feeling - of which I answered physically, not mentally. My neck is so sore- I can't turn it to the side without it hurting really bad. Definitely can't look behind me or support my head well enough to lay down without a lot of pain. my back hurts too, I have a million knots is my upper back. my arms are a bit sore and I have a 1.5ish inch bruise there. On my upper thigh from the seatbelt I think - i have a few bigger bruises- the longest about 4 inches long.

the rest of my body hurts too - but that is probably mostly because of snowboarding.

and freaking out wise - I want a hug from the boy I took to semi formal, I want him to tell me it's okay. I texted him and let him know and he seemed worried - but I feel like an idiot for texting him because I don't feel like we're that good of friends, we're just awkward flirters.

but girls don't comfort as well as guys. I try to a lot of times. but mostly - I just listen and don't react. thats not as good as a good guy hug.

emo

I'm so emotional right now.. maybe its the sad cheesy lifetime movie i watched earlier or the fact that all my roomies and bop it girls went home for break and im very very alone. maybe its because I don't want to try to get a boy because I'm too afraid of not getting one... btu that i want someone to know me this well
eulogy of sorts

this is a girl writing about a boy who she loved who loved God. This boy's body hasn't been found since his car slid on ice and into traffic. the headlights went out so no one could see the car. they got out and ran for the side of the bridge, there was no shoulder so he jumped. he landed in freezing water. The others jumped and held on or got off the bridge or something.. and he didn't. his name was John Paul Foget.

He went to my friends small catholic college. 2000 people.. so i'm sure she knew him or of him.
I didn't cry until I read part of that note
'he watched vlogbrothers with me'

he was a nerdfighter. we lost a nerdfighter.

If I died tomorrow I would be like Margo, most people have a fake view of who I am. No one knows me. and that scares me. I don't want to be remembered as perfect. I don't want to be remembered as enduringly happy.

I'm just scared that no one knows me.

Little Girls.

Tonight my friend is going to a funeral for a little girl. Little girls shouldn't die.
slideshow of pictures of isabelle and her little sister. heartbreakingly adorable. The older blonde is the one who is now in heaven.



Clarissa Danielle 1987-December 16th 2005
And 3 years ago, I experienced my first funeral that wasn't for a family member. She died exactly 3 years ago today, . I remember exactly what room of the funeral home I was in and exactly how weird I felt to be there.
I remember her artwork being on display and one box said 'God is in the details' over and over and over again.
I didn't know her extremely well - but I have vivid memories of her and how I felt about her as a person. She scared me, and made me laugh. She taught me how to say shit in spanish. 'mierda.' She was a beautiful beautiful girl and the hardest thing about her funeral was her makeup. It wasn't like her. She had on shiny lipgloss and she just looked wrong. and dead.
I'd only ever been to old people funerals where they looked old, but more like they were asleep than made of plastic.


Haley Anne 'Tank Girl' 1990-January 7th 2006. the night of good shepherd winter semiformal. (not at semi, i just found out afterwards...)
This is hayley, she was a character. I only met her once and the only thing I remember her saying was 'you don't know me'
she was being all difficult when I was trying to take a quick picture of her for the newspaper.
I replied - you're my cousin. Well I now know that she is my great grandfather's brothers great grandkid, same thing, right? we didn't know each other well - but we were family. She had my grandpa's last name. The hardest part about this was that my sisters good friend, who was basically my brother... his little brother was really good friends with her. It's hard to see such a tough little guy so sad. And at her funeral, everyone was these tough looking kids. who were real people - who lost a friend.. people I might not have taken a second look at before.. and then realized how real they were. i was pretty self centered in high school. but its good to realize that everybody has a story. It sucks to realize it after a story ends.


this is Isabelle, she had a heart problem and didn't get a new one soon enough. My sorority sister worked at her day care.
She passed away last thursday.


these little girls should still be here.

And so many of my girls are still here. and my guys. and so life should be appreciated. because I barely knew these girls - didn't know isabelle, just Clarissa and Haley kinda.. but I can't even imagine...


This was at the fireside for clarissa.. I went.. I cried.. it was just all so sad. I stood way out from everyone.. because I didnt feel like I had the right to be there. and I remember standing next to a few people, freezing cold, tears running silently down my face... and the few people to my right left and one guy stepped over toward me and put his arm around me. Long chou. He knew her better than I did.. and he was still the one comforting me. and back to the love language being touch.. it meant a lot to me.


mierda.

sadness

So sometimes I'm sad, really intensely sad. And everything around me just makes me sadder and sadder.
Right now, I'm in an upward mode though, everything seems to be getting better, even though not much has changed.
My real GDP of happiness is rising


I am SUCH a nerd. and I love it.

And I love being confident when confident matters.

and I love laughing. I love making people laugh, even if it's just about stupid free sample diapers.

It's hard to imagine complex people when they see you but don't let you see them.

I'm trying to be happy, I'm trying to consider the good. like warm heated blankets and friends who aren't perfect but sure as hell try to be there for me, even when I don't realize it. and reading books helps me feel better, even when dentists just stabbed me with numbing needles, reading let it snow helped to not concentrate on the fact that I was drooling. awesome.



Good mood right now. I like being smart, and me and and happy and all that jazz.

This is sad.

VanLerberg, Dale F.

Dale F. VanLerberg, 82, of Shawnee, Kan., passed away November 12, 2008. A visitation will be held from 4 to 7 p.m. Friday, followed by the rosary at 7 p.m. at the Amos Family Chapel of Shawnee. Funeral Mass will be 11 a.m. Saturday at St. Joseph Catholic Church, Shawnee, followed by burial in Resurrection Cemetery, Lenexa. Dale was born August 29, 1926, in Shawnee to Paul and Madeline VanLerberg. He attended St. Joseph Catholic Grade School and was a graduate of Shawnee Mission North Rural School and Fort Hays University. Dale served as a Merchant Marine and in the US Army during WWII. He was a life long member of St. Joseph Catholic Church, and Knights of Columbus. He was also a proud member of the American Legion. Dale was a dedicated father and grandfather, he touched the lives of many, and will be forever loved and remembered. Dale was preceded in death by his parents and brothers, Clarence and Dick; and sister-in-law, "Cleo." He is survived by his wife, Rosemary VanLerberg; and family, Marsha Callahan (James), Joseph Glynn, Susan Hemberger (Dr. Glenn Hemberger), Kathy Thompson-Rausch (Roger), Patricia Glynn; and his sister, Mary Alice Viscek (Charlie); his brother, Albert VanLerberg and sister-in-law, Dorothy VanLerberg. Also his beloved grandchildren, Amanda, Danny, Dale, Ryan, Jennifer, Brett, Meghan, and Joey. His passing will be deeply felt by all the VanLerberg nieces and nephews. Online condolences may be expressed at www.amosfamily.com Arr.: The Amos Family Chapel of Shawnee, (913) 631- 5566. Memorial contributions in Dale's memory may be to St. Joseph Catholic Church or the American Diabetes Association.

but I loved seeing my family, I love the after--burial lunch. I loved the buttons we made that said 'uncle dale's favorite' and Uncle Ron's letter from '98 that was signed that said he was actually the favorite.

and I love my family. because sometimes I forget just how special and amazing they are.

Wine Legs etc

I went to a wine tasting last wednesday and learned that wine legs are the lines that come down on red wines when you swirl it, the more the better the wine!
I enjoyed the riesling, one of the two white wines

---

facebook statuses of the day:

Jackie is currently accepting applications for a friend (besides angela) who will be excited about big words with me. like sagacious. please apply below. 22:40 - Comment

Jackie positiveness begets positiveness. there has got to be a better word to explain that. 21:48 - Comment

Jackie is at signs of life about to start homework and enjoying a delicious strawberry smoothie yumm!

Jackie has always had this idea that you should never give up a happy middle in the hopes of a happy ending. 14:37

that last one was a interpretation of a quote from Let It Snow, 3 christmas romances of awesome by 3 diff authors, but all kind of intertwined... by John Green, Maureen Johnson and the one I havent read yes, Lauren Myracle.

buy it, borrow it from me/library whatever, read it.

---

Dick, Albert (my grandpa)
Dale, Mary Alice, Clarence
This is my grandpa and his siblings.
Rest in Peace Uncle Dale, my mom told me yesterday morning that he passed away.
Now only grandpa and Mary Alice are left, it would be so sad to lose one of my sisters, I just can't imagine.
Dale and Clarence's wives are still alive though, Rosemary(Dale's) and Dorothy (Clarence's).
Dorothy makes awesome pancakes when we go to the lake. :) She's the closest thing I have left to a grandma.

---

Celebrity Crush.

Love.


I couldn't care less about Leonardo Dicaprio. I rarely wanted to be the girl falling head over heels for the boy in the movie. But I've seen 10 things I Hate About You countless times. It was on my favorite movie list on facebook when I had one. So was Shrek, but I didn't have a crush on him either. For a while, I could even recite the 10 things. I wanted to be Kat. I wanted to go paintballing and roll in the hay, laughing. I wanted to talk about when he 'sold his kidney on the black market.' I didn't care it started as a bet--it ended up real. And I wanted that. It seemed so much more real that most movies and their perfect love stories.



A lot of that had to do with the actor that played the boy. He was amazing in that movie and so many others.
I loved A Knight's Tale (one TV movie that could never be on too many times, I would always watch it.) Casanova, I saw once and loved as well.



Heath Ledger. May he rest in peace.



I agree with one person's view on this event.



"I think its affected most people so much because no one this age, this famous has died in our lifetimes. and if you are in your late teens he's our generation..."




He's our generation. that's why this is so weird. He's not even like Johnny Depp who is famous recently, but older. He's so close to our age. 28. He was only 8 when I was born. only 8.