Mortality.

Click.

Drive

just to preface: I'm okay. everyone is okay.

I've had speeding tickets. I've run into a parked car in my driveway. I got rear ended in a parking lot. the first two were my fault. All 3 times (well more than 3 if you count all the speeding tickets and that one for not stopping all the way at a stop sign... ) I was driving by myself. Whenever I have someone else in the car. I'm more careful. When given the choice - I will drive. As long as I'm not planning on drinking and even sometimes when I am drinking a bit. I trust my drunk self more than a sober someone else who may or may not stay sober.

My sorority decided to go on this ski trip through a college travel agent group thingy called lifestylez. This year the trip is in Telluride. It's the furthest. It's 14 hours if you don't stop. We decided to start at 11pm and drive until 2:30 ish to get there. We didn't get here until about 6.

One of the reasons was that I drove from 11pm to 6am. I was tired. I ran out of gas and had to have mkat save me twice. But I stayed awake and on the road.

She told me it was time to switch drivers. BD had been sleeping the most because AJ had been keeping me awake by telling me her life story and listening to my boy issues.

3 hours after we switched I woke up to screaming. We were still on the road, but sliding. There was some snow on the road. There was a sign and a mile marker on the side of the road and we went directly in between them. The mile marker scratched up the car and hit off a mirror, but we didn't run into it - which is what I thought would happen in my panic. I grabbed onto my seatbelt as we flipped over. I think as we were flipping I was looking to see if AJ, asleep in the back, was okay. After we stopped moving I asked if they were both okay and they both were. so I opened the door to give a shaky thumbs up to the car that had pulled over - thinking it was mkat and her car.

It was just some good samaritans that were also going to Telluride with the college trip.

I called one of the other car in our caravan, DS didn't even talk back - they just turned around and came back to help us.

I calmed down BD, she had been driving. I should have been driving. It was my sister's car. BD was having a panic attack. great. I had to calm her down when I was anything but calm inside. I had to make myself be calm, because that's what I do. When something bad happens I'm the listener, the rock, the one that doesn't freak out until I have some privacy and time to think and cry.

I still haven't cried. I almost died. We flipped, I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt earlier. AJ wasn't wearing her seatbelt. When we squished into other cars BD didn't put on her seatbelt. I wanted to strangle her. She has no common sense. does not think its her fault at all. It is. She overcorrected. She put us in the ditch. The policeman said there hadn't been any other accidents yet that day. It's her fault. but I can't say that. because I'm nice. damn.

I'm okay. everyone is okay.

I could have died 2 days ago. and what would I have to show for it. at my funeral people would say i was nice. nerdy, sometimes smart. a good listener. never dated. never kissed. loved God, sometimes. was awkward as all get out. Didn't fit in most of the time. I like myself, I think I'm a good person. But for the most part I don't think people like me. So is that esteem? I have hi self esteem... but when it comes to relating to others - I'm insecure that I'm the one snowboarding alone this week because no one wants to wait for me.

I love my sorority - but they are annoying me so much lately. KC can't stop talking. BD is the idiot that crashed my sisters car. KR is the one who said I was being harsh when I took a brownie from a pan we thought BD had brought - and I said - She crashed my sisters car - I think I can have a brownie.

Everyone comforted BD because she was freaking. and all I got was how are you feeling - of which I answered physically, not mentally. My neck is so sore- I can't turn it to the side without it hurting really bad. Definitely can't look behind me or support my head well enough to lay down without a lot of pain. my back hurts too, I have a million knots is my upper back. my arms are a bit sore and I have a 1.5ish inch bruise there. On my upper thigh from the seatbelt I think - i have a few bigger bruises- the longest about 4 inches long.

the rest of my body hurts too - but that is probably mostly because of snowboarding.

and freaking out wise - I want a hug from the boy I took to semi formal, I want him to tell me it's okay. I texted him and let him know and he seemed worried - but I feel like an idiot for texting him because I don't feel like we're that good of friends, we're just awkward flirters.

but girls don't comfort as well as guys. I try to a lot of times. but mostly - I just listen and don't react. thats not as good as a good guy hug.