Missing my special family...

Special Family is a song we sing in the sorority I was in. ( I went inactive a few months back. )All the seniors sing it on the last night of recruitment and we all try our hardest to hold back the tears. Except for the seniors. they cry. they hug. they look at each other as if they will never forget each other for as long as they live.

Rula says I'm still in it. They've got me for life. and she is the most Alpha-Gammy person I know. so I'm gonna believe her, even if they took my badge. And I'm going to 're-instate my membership' or at least try to.. after this year.

Life is so good. but it's not as balanced as I want it to be. When conversation turns to the sorority [I'm on a mini-cation with 3 gals from my sorority to the hometown (hutch) of one of my favorite people ever] I either want to strangle them [RA, KW, JD] for getting so worked up about stuff that really doesn't matter.. or I want to be singing special family. And neither of those are things that will happen. I will not strangle. I will not sing. And it's no fun to imagine things that can't happen. I'm still amazed that just typing the words special family makes me want to cry. I miss it.

my roommies before they started hating me. I just can't help but wonder if that had gone better.. If I had been a better roommate, would I still be in AGD?

Rachel and I @Pi Kap where else can you find this kind of stuff except for @frat houses?

Only my Alpha Gams are up for going to the bars after our last class of the semester.

I love bop it.

sorority girls taught me how to go out. and now no one wants to go out and stay till close with me. and dance. and just have the best time. god, this night was so good.

Semi formal. The last good dance. it was so good. I want to take my boy to the dances.

oh slutty halloween.

This is how my sister saw me.

frat party for the win! this is at theta chi! the best party i went to freshmen year was there! it was so fun and I believe I slid down the roof in a skirt.

One of the best feelings ever is for someone to tell you that you were their rush crush. I love my krista.

In/out. wow.

roomies.

matching outfits. Sweet home alpha gamma. Love.

"When i think too much i stop breathing and when i stop breathing i get hiccups. So if i ever hiccup around you, you know i had a deep thought about 4 seconds before"-jen

Love and deep thoughts that cause hiccups,
J

also. I'm at The Metro coffeeshop in hutch. I like.
and I just found a good way to study. using notecards and pretty pens. and I forgot to bring enough notecards and it makes me angry.
When I think of the people I want to know forever, not just see every once in a while. people I want to KNOW. some of these, I'm already failing at knowing.My mom. My sisters. The rest of my Vanlerberg family. Angela. Noelle.
Q. Bop it. Audrey. Kourtney. Krista. Rula. Melliot. Roslyn. Alison W. Kelsey G. Em W. Anne'. Anya. Manderson. Kels S. Victoria. Catie. Alyssa J. Sam N. Shawn. Whit. Sara. Ben. Sofie. Dara. Danielle.Andrew. Jessica C. Jen K. Chad. Amanda. Crabaugh. Laura D. Trent. Bryan M. Barf. Saritica. Aysia.
Laura D. the J Crew (Nick, Julian, Jake especially) Oasis. Cam. Lee. Cough. Sue. I'm sure there's so many more. I've been so lucky to meet so many great people. This was supposed to be just about AGD, oops!

More photos.




aww! my Alpha Gam fam plus Sam! best addition evar!

so ya. that's my 10.Thats the reason today sucks. I want to sing special family. I want to be a part of AGD again and it's too late. I wish they would have allowed me to be inactive for one semester. but they wouldn't.

90. good parts. I'm in hutch and I missed Rach so much. so thats awesome. This is probably the best summer I've ever had. I'm glad I have been a part of something that I care about so much (AGD) that it's breaking my heart a little. I'm happy. healthy. feeling good.

How's life?

Life is lovely.

you?

awesome instruments. ha.
Love and de-loveliness,
J

ok - for those who actually read this as a life update. these are the important facts.

1. I'm living @ my sister's place for the rest of July and then moving into 1247 1/2 (house close to campus w/ strangers who all seem awesome!) in August
2. I have my 1st boyfriend! (as my sister puts it: guess who is a girlfriend??? my sister! )
3. I'm still working @JDel and loving it.
4. I'm taking a Psyc class over the summer @edwardscampus (and running into classmates @PowerAndLight.. that was weird! haha)
5. I twitter too much which causes me to overuse the @ sign.
6. Softball season w/ JDel is over - we lost. a lot. but I'm glad I did it. good memories were made. (It's a dude!! It's a chick!!)
7. Life is almost prefect right now. I need some more hours in the day and really should diversify with the people I'm hanging out with. I miss a lot of people from school (esp bop it!) and wish it was easier to hang out with everyone.
8. I am officially no longer in my sorority, also really wondering how I'm going to deal with that come rush time.. I'll miss the songs. (For pep and vitality and lots of fun! you can't beat the girls that you're among.) and the girls. and the general feeling of being a part of it.
9. I don't think I've ever had a summer this full of awesome. or this full of good music. I love the new musics I've been listening to. love the old records too. Billy Joel for the win.
10. people I want to hang out with more: Bop it, Krista M, michelle, danielle g, ben/sofie/dara,Angela (o wait.. cant do that. damnit!), nolly, crabaugh, jess A, AGD girls (some of them.. not all of them. ), chad, Q, a-team, family (esp tiff and sienna and I need to finally visit Avery and Mitchell!) , the lake (yes, I want to hang out with the lake. mmmm), kourtney, audrey, my only sister thats in town that i never seem to see!, rosyln, Andy/amos etc, etc etc.
11. my places are now updated. Room 916 isn't even on the list. C302 is added. and so is Moundview house(sisters place). and i can almost call 1247 1/2 a place.. just a few more wt wednesdays and it will be!'

My last AGD composite.

I'm 2nd row, 2nd photo

Love, pearls, and squirrels,
J

Topic: Stiffness in conversations.

I hung out with the roommate again tonight. Her name is LB. I'm way excited to get to know her, but right now we're both kind of awkward around each other. We seem to enjoy each other but there is a definite stiffness in our conversations. I like when you know someone well enough to just talk. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people enough to talk with complete confidence in knowing they won't respond poorly to how ridiculous I am sometimes.

other random thoughts:
Taking care of each other is important: Even if it's just providing tons of water with a straw. That's one thing I learned from my sorority in a way I couldn't have learned as well anywhere else.

death makes me want to cry. which is difficult when you're in a coffee shop. RIP Aezra (18 year old found dead right off campus)

songs: the fratellis. the pack.

you know when you're in a group. It can be a sport team, a scholastic group like journalism, a religious group.. or even a sorority. And there are some people in that group that just make you not want to be considered a part of that group. These people make you doubt if you should be in this group, because if this is who is attracted to the group, why the hell would you want to be a part of it.

But then there are people who are so good that it makes you proud that you are part of that group. Thanks Rula. Thanks for letting me know that even if I drop, I can still be considered a part of this group somewhere down the road.

"We've got you for life."

This is opposite of the message I have been receiving.
"As I explained in my last email it is not possible with your circumstances for you to become an early alum. *insert group here* would still like to consider you a [member] but the decision to change your membership status is yours."

I just wish I had never gone on that trip, never seen the side of these people that makes me wish I had never known them. I just wish I could separate that better in my mind from this group.

But I talked to an alum of this group, Rula, and she made me feel a million times better.. even if I'm crying uncontrollably now, I feel a lot better. I just wish everyone could be half as nice as her. I just wish people, me included, could care more about other people and less about themselves.

edit/ and she just followed it up with an e-card. more affirmative words and also kinda a thoughtful gift. along with the service she showed me by taking the time to talk with me. thats 3 of the 5 love languages. She's got this shit down!

more for my records than for this blog, but I love saving words of affirmation.

"Jackie!

You are amazing! I know you are an awesome *insert sorority name here*, and always have been, since the day you pledged yourself to us. You will keep on truckin right through and it's my belief that you've only begun to experience the blessings that *insert sorority name here* will bring you through new friends and sisters that you haven't even met yet! We've got you for life!

Loyally, Rula "

Tonight I email the VPO and tell her no, I do not want to continue being in my sorority. This means I can't be an alum. This makes me really sad because I really loved *insert sorority here*. But I can't deal with some people. I can't deal with my sister hating it. I can't deal with it, so I'm quitting. I suck.

"Like five or 6 girls from *insert sorority here* said they were coming (to my bday) but you two are the only ones who did! thanks! I'm drunk"-KP

that was basically part of the convo from the bar. My friend and sister (yes, i still claim sister.)

I'm dropping my sorority. but that doesn't mean i love any of them less. i love that i met all these girls. i can't imagine not knowing some of them.

maybe it's because 'supporting a sister' is supposed to mean more than not making time to go to a birthday party.

maybe it's because of other things too. but really, dont say you'll be somewhere and not.

maybe its just hard because we dont have a house. and dont see each other as often as we should. i miss my girls. i do. but if i made an effort, I hope they would still want to hang out with me. but i like the freedom of not being in a sorority. the way people approve of me more even if its because of misconceptions of sorority life. I dont know.. i just like this semester a lot. im trying harder to be a good person instead of just going through the motions.

ya. tipsy ramblings. but still.

the good ,the bad, and the hot. the worst.

good: Today has been productive. I found an article for my mktg class extra credit majig and am going to lunch with my friend chris.

the bad: One of my sorority sister's (betsy) boyfriend (Jon) died yesterday. I didn't know him. but she is a very quality person and I have no doubt that he was quality as well. please pray for Betsy and Jon and their families.
I used to have a blog called Prayer Box. It was only for prayers I had. Today I'm praying for J, B and their families and friends. He was probably 20 or 21. too young. I remember in high school when I had people around me die - I wished time would stop. It seemed so wrong and unnatural that life kept going when their lives ended.

The hot: Elliot hate's the rain. 10:18 - Comment

my comment: Jackie at 10:28, on 09 February
hates. not hate's :P sorry, grammar freak :)

Greg at 10:32, on 09 February
good thing shes hot. i wouldn't take that otherwise!

haha - i got called hot.. yay! and its a pic of me from fo-eva ago (2004, first time i wore makeup. )

the worst: my roommate's (the good roomie, the best roomie, the one who's good convos are at great as her thats what she said and similar jokes... ) dad was given 6 months to live over christmas break. He died tonight. She was at chapter so we stayed with her until about an hour ago when she went to be with her boyfriend.
I'm a blue. so it was good to be there for her.. but it still just sucks.

prayers appreciated. for Jon, Betsy, Laura and her dad.

Drive

just to preface: I'm okay. everyone is okay.

I've had speeding tickets. I've run into a parked car in my driveway. I got rear ended in a parking lot. the first two were my fault. All 3 times (well more than 3 if you count all the speeding tickets and that one for not stopping all the way at a stop sign... ) I was driving by myself. Whenever I have someone else in the car. I'm more careful. When given the choice - I will drive. As long as I'm not planning on drinking and even sometimes when I am drinking a bit. I trust my drunk self more than a sober someone else who may or may not stay sober.

My sorority decided to go on this ski trip through a college travel agent group thingy called lifestylez. This year the trip is in Telluride. It's the furthest. It's 14 hours if you don't stop. We decided to start at 11pm and drive until 2:30 ish to get there. We didn't get here until about 6.

One of the reasons was that I drove from 11pm to 6am. I was tired. I ran out of gas and had to have mkat save me twice. But I stayed awake and on the road.

She told me it was time to switch drivers. BD had been sleeping the most because AJ had been keeping me awake by telling me her life story and listening to my boy issues.

3 hours after we switched I woke up to screaming. We were still on the road, but sliding. There was some snow on the road. There was a sign and a mile marker on the side of the road and we went directly in between them. The mile marker scratched up the car and hit off a mirror, but we didn't run into it - which is what I thought would happen in my panic. I grabbed onto my seatbelt as we flipped over. I think as we were flipping I was looking to see if AJ, asleep in the back, was okay. After we stopped moving I asked if they were both okay and they both were. so I opened the door to give a shaky thumbs up to the car that had pulled over - thinking it was mkat and her car.

It was just some good samaritans that were also going to Telluride with the college trip.

I called one of the other car in our caravan, DS didn't even talk back - they just turned around and came back to help us.

I calmed down BD, she had been driving. I should have been driving. It was my sister's car. BD was having a panic attack. great. I had to calm her down when I was anything but calm inside. I had to make myself be calm, because that's what I do. When something bad happens I'm the listener, the rock, the one that doesn't freak out until I have some privacy and time to think and cry.

I still haven't cried. I almost died. We flipped, I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt earlier. AJ wasn't wearing her seatbelt. When we squished into other cars BD didn't put on her seatbelt. I wanted to strangle her. She has no common sense. does not think its her fault at all. It is. She overcorrected. She put us in the ditch. The policeman said there hadn't been any other accidents yet that day. It's her fault. but I can't say that. because I'm nice. damn.

I'm okay. everyone is okay.

I could have died 2 days ago. and what would I have to show for it. at my funeral people would say i was nice. nerdy, sometimes smart. a good listener. never dated. never kissed. loved God, sometimes. was awkward as all get out. Didn't fit in most of the time. I like myself, I think I'm a good person. But for the most part I don't think people like me. So is that esteem? I have hi self esteem... but when it comes to relating to others - I'm insecure that I'm the one snowboarding alone this week because no one wants to wait for me.

I love my sorority - but they are annoying me so much lately. KC can't stop talking. BD is the idiot that crashed my sisters car. KR is the one who said I was being harsh when I took a brownie from a pan we thought BD had brought - and I said - She crashed my sisters car - I think I can have a brownie.

Everyone comforted BD because she was freaking. and all I got was how are you feeling - of which I answered physically, not mentally. My neck is so sore- I can't turn it to the side without it hurting really bad. Definitely can't look behind me or support my head well enough to lay down without a lot of pain. my back hurts too, I have a million knots is my upper back. my arms are a bit sore and I have a 1.5ish inch bruise there. On my upper thigh from the seatbelt I think - i have a few bigger bruises- the longest about 4 inches long.

the rest of my body hurts too - but that is probably mostly because of snowboarding.

and freaking out wise - I want a hug from the boy I took to semi formal, I want him to tell me it's okay. I texted him and let him know and he seemed worried - but I feel like an idiot for texting him because I don't feel like we're that good of friends, we're just awkward flirters.

but girls don't comfort as well as guys. I try to a lot of times. but mostly - I just listen and don't react. thats not as good as a good guy hug.

Sometimes I complain about my sorority and my friends in said sorority..

Sometimes i complain about my mom too.

but then they go and make me feel amazing and awesome, even when I'm not.

Today 2 girls told me I looked cute when I didnt think I did, and one told me that I had grown up and how much she remembered me from freshman year and how old she felt for remembering and such

I love my sorority. a lot. and my mom too :)

sunday.

"Take me back Lord, into your loving embrace.
hold me close Lord, wipe the tears from my face
I don't deserve all the love you show, but I'm trying to love you too, I hope you know."

Music is a big part of my worship. I'm listening to a CD by Sarah Bauer, Delighting in Dreams. [sidenote: I rarely buy CDs, but I don't regreat this one, twice. I wore out the first one.] It's comforting, it's beautiful. It's fun to sing to and to fall asleep too. It's just damn beautiful.

The music is church however, wasn't so awesome. hard to sing. music was too all over the place in notes that were hard to sing.

Church was good tonight, ..better than I expected.. The whole time I was there.. I was thinking about differences, similarities, time.

church is hillariously beautiful

and whenever I check my watch in church, I remember Father Paul and how he talked SOOO fast and without fail, ended mass early.

I'm weirded out by the altar man. Altar boys shouldn't have bald spots.

I wish I was giving communion..

I liked the sermon for the most part, he used a KU football metaphor, twas impressive..

I wish I had a singing buddy for life. one who would come over and we could sing good songs. I wish that was a pasttime.. oh wait.. karaoke! lets do it folks.

I have a new bookshelf.

And a new pillow [sidenote: I miss my old pillow.. the one my sister lost last summer.]

and cute gifts for my kids and grandkids (in the sorority)

here's my new kid!


here's my 1st kid and grankid


Skydivers came down at the game.




and from sibling's weekend

my cousins!