you know when you're in a group. It can be a sport team, a scholastic group like journalism, a religious group.. or even a sorority. And there are some people in that group that just make you not want to be considered a part of that group. These people make you doubt if you should be in this group, because if this is who is attracted to the group, why the hell would you want to be a part of it.

But then there are people who are so good that it makes you proud that you are part of that group. Thanks Rula. Thanks for letting me know that even if I drop, I can still be considered a part of this group somewhere down the road.

"We've got you for life."

This is opposite of the message I have been receiving.
"As I explained in my last email it is not possible with your circumstances for you to become an early alum. *insert group here* would still like to consider you a [member] but the decision to change your membership status is yours."

I just wish I had never gone on that trip, never seen the side of these people that makes me wish I had never known them. I just wish I could separate that better in my mind from this group.

But I talked to an alum of this group, Rula, and she made me feel a million times better.. even if I'm crying uncontrollably now, I feel a lot better. I just wish everyone could be half as nice as her. I just wish people, me included, could care more about other people and less about themselves.

edit/ and she just followed it up with an e-card. more affirmative words and also kinda a thoughtful gift. along with the service she showed me by taking the time to talk with me. thats 3 of the 5 love languages. She's got this shit down!

more for my records than for this blog, but I love saving words of affirmation.

"Jackie!

You are amazing! I know you are an awesome *insert sorority name here*, and always have been, since the day you pledged yourself to us. You will keep on truckin right through and it's my belief that you've only begun to experience the blessings that *insert sorority name here* will bring you through new friends and sisters that you haven't even met yet! We've got you for life!

Loyally, Rula "

Looking for ways

Today I wrote down this quote from the book I'm reading, Ask Again Later by Jill Davis . Only a bit in, but I like it a lot, It's a little too easy to read. but I like the wording, very succinct.

"I was looking for ways to enhance my life without changing anything significant. "

This is how I feel right now. Life is not great, but I know that it has been and could be different. I know that I want to love the life I live.

I want to be able to inteact with people better. My coworkers, my friends, my family members, boys, baristas.

I want to be as stylish as my TA that I just saw walk into the shop next door to my coffee venue. (Vedrana, my Business Law TA from last semester. She made me want to go to Law school, which I just might do.)

I want to be able to concentrate better on my schoolwork, in and out of class. And find ways to fill my time when I don't have a lot to do that doesn't involve this wonderful computer.

I want to be able to concentrate on offline things for long periods of time. I can spend all day updating my website and archiving things online, but 10 minutes of Econ and I'm bored. This is a problem.

I want my abnormal psychology class to not make me self diagnose. Today we talked about people who are depressed , very mildly but almost constantly and always blame their sadness on life, not chemicals in the brain. And lately (since about October) I've been a lot sadder than I usually am... and have had a harder time dealing with little conflicts that I would usually just brush off and go back to my optimism. and I don't know.. I used to think depression was over-diagnosed, but I'm not used to doing normal tasks and having to hold back tears. And I've got a history of abnormal behavior in my family. and I just don't want to be my dad. And I don't know if it would be ridiculous to pursue this, but maybe drugs for a bit would help. Maybe I need it and treating it now could help so the other craziness won't come out. I don't want to be abnormal, but maybe I am. and maybe that's okay, as long as I take care of it and don't let it become who I am.

I want people to understand that I need affirmation and that I want to spend time with them, without me having to say so. Or maybe just learn to say so without feeling creepy.

I want to have better handwriting

I want to have more random unplanned adventures probably with the bop it girls. I want to go urban exploring and play in fountains and have random games of flag football.

I want to find a home for next year maybe on Mass street with one or two of my friends. People like Q, KT, or RA, people I can confront without wondering if they will hate me for it. Someone I feel comfortable being blunt with. Or could get to where I do. And who can get to be comfortable being blunt with me. face to face. No textual communication allowed. (update May 9-09 I found a place to live! )

People don't read this often - but if you do - what are some things you'd like to be able to change in your life - even if it meant changing something significant.


One Sentence of the day: My oldest sister once curiously asked my Grandma Helen why her phone number was written on her arm.

F**** my life of the day: Today, at the end of a really long day my boyfriend was rubbing my back. I told him I appreciated how sensitive he was being. His response? "I was just trying to figure out how to unhook your bra." FML